Let them discover me. The beauiful me.
Continuation of my “Hey.” post.

I cancelled my party because something unexpected came up. I can’t tell. it’s just part of our family issues and into my real issue about myself. That “my real issue” is that I am afraid of people. I am afraid of their judgments, critizations, etc., if I continued that party. That I am fat into my dress, that I am ugly, and if the party isn’t fun at all.  I know in their mind that they will judge me. And I know I wouldn’t be happy on that day, if the party would still be continued on the 4th day of May. Because these past few months, I wasn’t happy at all, I’m just pretending. Pretending to orayt, pretending to be happy when I am really not.

Hey.

12 days before my.. uhmmm, 18th birthday and it feels like hell. I invited my friends: friends in my highschool days, in my college school and even in my organization (ROTC friends). It totally summed up to 90 persons.. or should I say people. Plus my family in both of my parent’s side. So plus 30. It feels so good when I heard that they are all willing to come. When I PMed them in facebook. It feels like, I am so important to them. But there were also people who I know they aren’t willing to come on my bday celeb. It’s just a simple dinner party for all of us. It is just. I am afraid of that day, literally.

We are broken.

So.. I’m 17 and 3/4s and I still feel worthless..

A message to my first boyfriend.

Dear True Love,

       WER R U? I’m waiting for you since the day I learned to love other people more than myself. I’m waiting for the perfect guy, the perfect you. BTW, that perfection does not pertaining to what other’s think like (a wealthy life, handsome guy, or wateva) but on how and how long you’re going to love me. That is my measurement of perfection. I hope, you’re just there waiting for me to be a real lady. Oh, you only have a half year to go to wait for me, and for me to wait for you. Please let me know if you’re the one. If I already met you, or if you have already talked to me, please. Thanks

Your perfect lady,

Yana 

The start of the semester seems easy for me.. because I already knew the flows and strategies of being a college student. But it seems uneasy emotionally ‘coz of heart breaks, family problems, low self- esteem, and depression. I had my worst problem so far.. my family. It seems that they’re not supportive for me, as I take my dream course that would lead me to my dream job. They always correct me in my wrong doings inside the house.. like not following house chores, answering them back, and for not talking to them. They made it worse, but for me, it’s nothing. Because I know, there’s a lot of teenagers who does worse than mine. Mine was just a simple mistakes of a teenager. I felt like, they don’t love me. Because they don’t love what am I doing, I go to military just to have a scholarship in school, I will join the varsity next year just to have 60% discount on my tuition fee. But they don’t let me to go into a boarding house.. because they’re saying that I will just escaping from our house just to do what I wanted to do. But yes, that’s true.. but those things are for the development of myself. I wanted to have a boarding house near of our school.. for me to focus on my studies, I wanted to have a wide schedule, wherein the time space between every subjects had time intervals..just for me to focus on my studies. I also wanted to become active in particular organizations like KasaMBaHay (School Ministry), Power House (A life group), and many more that would help me to improve my social skills, and I know, being in a boarding house would also improve my social skills. Because my social skills, sucks. Especially to those people who’s hard to be with. I’m just being myself. Literaly, I had 3 units of 2 subjects that I’d dropped. Individual/ Dual Sports: Arnis (2 units) and Fund of Progress and Database and Application Theory (1 units) so I’ll credit 24 units only instead of 27. I didn’t fail these subjects, I quit. Because I don’t like these subjects. In Letran, there’s a freedom of choosing your 3rd and 4th PE. I really don’t like Arnis but this is the only possible subject and possible slot that I can have from the moment I encode my subjects for preparing my schedule.. but for the Preliminary it was alright but when I became absent for 2 meeting, I don’t know what to do and what will do, the’re so advanced already in their lesson and I am so lazy to learn those. So.. I didn’t go in that class again. In our DB Lab, my professor really really sucks. He’s gay and I don’t want to see him again. We all got 60% in our Midterm. I know it’s my fault because I didn’t pursue to pass this subject but this time schedule is so complicated. I had to wait for 3 hours just to wait for these fuck*ng subject, and it is also 3 hours because it is a lab subject. Whatda. So.. I think I’mma UW student for these both subjects.. and besides I couldn’t manage to go to that DB Lab, because I have 4 term papers and into 3 term papers. I’m the leader, and at that time, I am the only one who works on it, almost. The other 1 term paper is individual, so I couldn’t manage anymore to go there in that DBLab. In Accounting, it seems alright.. I’m afraid of higher subjects.. but I will do the best I could do. Promise. I also wanted to be in a boarding house because, I want to lose weight.. my co-ROTC officers will also be in a boarding house next sem.. We will jog every morning and every dawn just to be physically fit. I hate myself from being Over weight. When there’s someone who confessed that they like me.. I don’t believe in them because I am not that kind of confident to become that kind of girl. Because It think that I am ugly, and there is nobody who wants to love me. So.. that’s why. I hate the feeling of being inlove.. but now, I am inlove His name is Jan___ Da____ L. In_______. Uggggh I hope, nobody knows him. But yes, his from Letran and I knew him before. But I personally met him since the day I attended my friend’s party and he was also a friend of my friend. (Ate Abby), but he don’t know me but I slightly know him by his appearance. He is manly and he is charming when talked to me. When I leave on that party, I heard that he will be on a date in the near Mall of it.. at that time, I believe that he have a girlfriend. When the 1st semester begins.. he is my classmate in Comm Arts II. We got close at that time.. because my friends were also acquaintances of him. He’s smart but he’s lazy whenever I saw him looking at me, at first, I felt nothing into the point that I were happy….

TO BE CONTINUED

 

" Okay guys, you only have 2 days to follow me back on Twitter. No follow back, automatically you’ll be unfollowed by this weird kiddo." Tweet that I want to tweet.
Okay guys, you only have 2 days to follow me back on Twitter. No follow back, automatically you’ll be unfollowed by this weird kiddo.” Tweet that I want to tweet.
HAPPY 17th BiRTHDAY TO MY BEST EVER BUDDY! :* HAHAHAHA

Bum bum boomboomboomboom! =))) Hi Patricia Ann Cruz Guia, or should I say Patricia Ann G. **moy? HAHAHAHA #RSCTDays Uggggh, grabe dun tayo naging close nun noh? Sa arw araw b naman, ggsingin natin ang isa’t isa (together w/ Jorgina, Nice at Ate Bene) ipapaalala na gumising na at maligo, kung minsan nga, pinapaalala p natin sa isa’t isa na mag-toothbrush. AHAHAHA. Gahol sa oras eh =)) I remember, nung after jogging laging nag-ccramps yung legs mo and I need to make it hilot hilot. Because it cause you too much pain and yung nssick call ka lagi bcoz you’re out of physical strength during our RSCT days. Pero I know, s lakas ng loob, s tapang at s confidence n bnbgay m s pkkipg-usap s buong Region IV-A hnd k nagkukulang. =)) (Region IV-A talaga? Hahaha). Thank you s pg-comfort sa kin nung nhhome sick ako, at s love advices tungkol kay **bs at Don***. AHAHAHHAHA #LantaranNaItuuuu HAHAHA, bsta s May, training ulet tyong lahat 5, pra mging 1st class n tayo and dpat, payat n tyo nun. Ipush natin yung last 6 months bgo mgtraining ulit. HAHAHAHa #TagaNatinYanSaBato. Ngaung, 1st sem, you’re my classmate in Logic and even in PE kaso dnrop ko. AHAHAHA #BadGirl sensya na. Salamat din s pg-alalay nung 2x ako n na-******. *WorstDaysOfMyLife, pero I’ll improve myself na to be better and better. Ayuuuuuun, Good luck s path n pipiliin mo, basta I’mma always here for you, kpag may prob ka, o kaya pag gusto mo magpasama kumain. #DyanTayoMagalingEh Hahahahaha. God Bless you and your family and sana mkhanap ka na din ng boy n truelalu n mg-llove sayo. Sana sakin din. hU3hU3, bastaaaa I’m always here. Happy 17th year of existence Budddddy! =)) :* ♥

Smile.. even you’ve been hurt for so many times. x

Smile.. even you’ve been hurt for so many times. x

May gusto akong guy kaso yung guy na yun, may gustong iba. Close kami, pero hnggang dun n lang sguro yun. NGSB sya, NBSB din ako. D nman ako yung girl n ngbbgay ng signs n gusto ko ang isang llaki. I’m contended to sit and stare at you, JDLI.
If you love me you can save me, you can save me, baby.
Hey, I just want to compliment you. you are strong, beautiful but a simple kind of girl.. I knew you by heart, you are brave enough to conquer the world. Just be proud of who you are.. don't be ashame of yourself. You are perfect in your own ways..
Anonymous

THANK YOU! You’re ryt.. Sometimes, I feel like it’s a shame to be me, all because I’m fat.. but I’d realize being fat is the new sexy! HAHAHA just kidding.. but hell yeah, I’m fat. But I’ll work on things.. I’ll work out and work out until I got my desired figure tho I already have my figure.. but y’know, not satisfied.. I’m doing this for myself not for everyone else. Thanks again.

Target body. #boxing

Target body. #boxing

No boyfriend since fetus.

Oo. Since fetus. HAHAHAHA! Since nung bata p ko, may mga nririnig nman ako n ngkk-crush sakin, may umaamin din (via text msgs only), may mga ngpp-cute lang.. Pero ewan ko wala pa ng personal confession. Ewan ko b, hndi sguro nila ako kayang seryosohin at iprove n gusto tlga nila ako. Nkipg-date ako first time nung 1st year- 1st sem ng college, s classmate ko s ROTC. Mbait sya, gwapo, matangkad, prang perfect naa *_* kaso may napansin din ako sa ugali nung mgk-date kami. Hinatid nya ako pauwi sa bahay.. nakilala sya nung mom at younger bro ko.. (wala p dun yung ibang tao s bhay nung pmunta sya) Ayun, pgkaalis nung lalaki, pinagalitan ako ng Nanay ko.. sabi mangongolekta lang daw yun; bka mag-asawa na (Agad agad?!), madami pa kaya n turn off agd ako ako.. nkkipg-text sya sakin.. pero parang iwas n.. one time, swimming ng mga kblock ko kasi bday ng classmate ko, nagyaya sya mg-mall.. ng-sswimming ako nun. Pinapunta ko sya, pero ayaw nya. Nainis tuloy ako.. kasi malapit lang nman. Ayun, sabi ko d ako mkkpunta after nun.. d n ult sya ngp-ramdam.. pero ng-GGM nman sya minsan, ng-ggm din ako, pero sakanya ko lang sinesend. Pero d sya ng-ppm sakin.. d ako yung tipo ng babaeng nagawa ng first move.. kung oo man, yung hindi halata. :) HAHHA! haaaay. sinabihan nya pa naman ako na, ang swerte nya sakin. Sinasabihan nya ko lagi ng ang ganda ko daw, kahit daw chubby ako, mganda padin, #KevinWhyYouSoStupid tapos ngk-GF sya.. mas maganda pa ko dun eh. :| Yun lang, Payat sila. Pero break n silaaa. Hoooray! :))

Siguro isa s mga reasons ko, kung bakit ako singgle.. kasi mejo suplada ako. May natingin sakin, ng-hhi, may nagpapakilala. Pero d ko sila mejo pinapansin, (Kung nagpapakilala, ang treat ko after nilang magpakilala ay friends lang)

Balak ko kasi mgbbf ako pag 18 na ko.. N-fall nadin ako.. Even nung HS, puro one-sided love. Puro n-friendzone..umiyak.. pero one thing n, sobrang nkka-bobo sakin, kahit na gustong gusto ko na yung lalaki, Hindi ako naamin. Alam ng mga friends ko.. pero d ako umaamin s mismong lalaki. Kpag nllaman ng guy, umiiwas ako. Pinapakita ko na hindi ttoo.. katulad ng ngyari kay Kevin. Pero sya ang gusto ko nung, August- December. Ng-let go ako s srili ko nung, may GF n sya.. d ko alm kung anu yng reason kung bakit cla ngbreak. Ang alam ko bgo mg-valentines, break n sila. 

Nung RSCT namin, (ROTC Summer Camp Training), Mayron dun nging crush ko.. for inspiration lang. May friend sya, kapag dba may crush ka sa isang lalaki, for sure sinisilayan dba? Ayun, lagi ko syang tnitingnan.. yung friend nya, akala nya sya yung tnintngnan ko.. pero hindeee! Ayun, ng-ssmile na sa akin yung friend nya, tinatanong ako, kung okay lang ba ako, tapos kumakaway sakin minsan. Umiiwas ako.. tapos one time.. prang d n nya ko pinapansin.. syempre as a girl, mgttanong kung bakit prang ngbago.. tumitingin namn ako mnsan sknya, ningingitian, whatevs, Ayun, syempre nalungkot din ng unti. Pero crush ko padin yung crush ko, stick-to-one kya akoooo! :)) Sguro kaya d ako pinapansin nung kaibigan nya, sguro nakita nya kong tumitingin dun s ctush ko.. Pero okay lang. Mas okay n yun. Pero mabait nman syaa.

Smoker’s Night. We smoked. Noooo! jk I don’t smoke. Mg-smoke n lahat ng nasa paligid ko, pero d pdin ako mgttry nun. Prang party yun ng RSCT cl01-13.. WHOOOO ARMY! :))) Ayun, s practice nun may nakilala akong guy, mejo funny ang 1st impression ko sknya. Pero hindi ko sya type. Niyaya nya kong mg-sayaw sa slow dance.. umoo na lang ako..Pero ang first dance ko is c CRUSH! Pero nireto lang sya nung kasama ko s Letran n isayaw ko sya kasi alam nun n crush ko si crush. SYA YUNG FIRST DANCE KO. Second, yung kasama ko s Letran, 3rd, yung lalaking niyayaya akong mg-slow dance.. 

(To be continued)

Tinatamad ng mg-type,

Yana xxxxx :*

megashford:

Lots of lovely cupcakes :)

megashford:

Lots of lovely cupcakes :)

Kelan ka mg-bbf teh?
Anonymous

Tomorrow, maybe? HAHA no one knows when or where tayo m-iinlove dibaaaa? Prang kilala kita teh. :))) @Izzay. HAHAHA. Iwas muna tayo jn, aral first. 0:)